Archive for the 'Barney Stinson(How I met your Mother)' Category


Barney’s Theories …… :D

  • The Lemon Law
  • Freeway Exits Theory
  • The Bro Code
  • Hot – Crazy Scale
  • The Cheerleaders effect
Watch out this space for the detaied explanations………

Critical Acclaim for ” The Bro Code ” of Barney Stinson

“This is the finest piece of literature ever written. Now will you give me my phone back, Barney?”
–Theodore M.

“This is by far the most disgusting, disparaging, stomach churning thing I’ve ever read, which means a lot if you’ve ever seen one of my husband’s grocery lists.”
–Lily A.

“You’ll howl… with delight!”
–Stephen King

“Stinson uses language like a scalpel, digging though our deepest emotional tissue to expose the very core of the human psyche.”
–Mike Tyson

“Finally! A book worth reading!”

“Stinson beat me to it.”
–J.D. Salinger

“Jefferson’s out, Stinson’s in!”
–Rachel M. (President – Mount Rushmore National Preservation Society)

“An entertaining beach read.”
–Pope Benedict XVI

–Robin S.

“Out of this world!”
–Alien (creature from another planet)

“I’m sorry what?”
–Maya Angelou

“I have a hundred words for ‘snowflake’ but only one word for ‘The Bro Code,’ – awesome!”
–Some Eskimo maybe

“This book makes me want to rethink my career.”
–Mark (the dude who wrote the Gospel


The Best of Barney Stinson, Season 3

SEASON 3 (strictly for Barney fans)
continuation from season 2 ………
  • -dary.Dudeeee, i am so exited, we are single again.we are going to conquer New York city.i already have a girl for you .right boob bigger than the left boob which some to choose to look at the bra, half empty ,i choose to look at the bra,half full.
  • you cannot have sex on a wind surfing boat.”how do you know”.glad you asked Lily.i have crafted a list of every vehichle,land based,aquatic and air bourne in which slash on which it is possible to have sex.And out of those 33 vehicles,i have had sex in slash on 31.wind surfing boat,not on the list.not possible. Oh,here you wanna hear what is 33. Apollo 11 space capsule.
  • This conversation never happened……..
  • Ted,tonight we are going to get someone way hotter than Robin.OOOK, Robin is a 10.fine,we will get you a 12 or you know, two 6’s. failing that four 3’s and freak last case emergency we are gonna get 12 1’s.
  • Ted, my boy i am gonna re teach you how to live.
  • Now if you excuse me,random chic from earlier tonight,shall hence forth be known, Ted and I have a schedule to keep.
  • All this time, i thought you need a wingman to fly, but the truth is you got your own wings now.Sice you and Robin split you are just growing in your cocoon and last night you burst out of that cocoon like a like a majestic….aaaah……gauche….what is it that comes out of the cocoon.i was always bad at science.”a butterfly??”. Hahahahaha….
  • Ohhh, please, vacation romances have an expiration date.Gayle has got a best if, banged by sticker on him. once your romance start to stink, you will dump his ass down the drain like a savour milk and get back being uneveloved Robin,the one we actually like.Back me up here, Ted. “I am just happy,Robin is happy”.I am telling you,within 3 days ( “ok here comes the big words”) with in a triad of solar periods, you will recognize your dire of compatabilty with your paramour and conclude your association.”My journey was transformative. and i reassert my commitment to both the after mentioned paramour and the philosophies he supposes.”
  • Ted Ted Ted…… “dude, i am looking at you….. what ???” Right…..Stay with me……we are on the cusp of moving from out of towners to in their pansers.
  • i never kid…….:P
  • ok,alright Ted, if you wanna go for the belt,then by law i need to ask you the following questions. 1) is the aggregate age of all participants under 83.”yes”. 2) Is the aggregate weight of all participants under 400 pounds.”yes”.3)Theodre Mosby,are you paying these women.”What,No”.Teeeeeed…..
  • Beacause the belt is my birth right.You can’t claim it before i do.That would be like Jimmy Oldson capturing Lex luger, when superman watches invitbly from the bedroom.
  • “Ted you are ruining this for everyone”.Leave him alone.Sometimes even the greatest warriors shoot themselves in their foot.
  • “Why would you do that to yourself???”.Because it is getting up in your head man(The Belt).I start thinking i can’t do this.It’s 2 women.thats 2 of everything.4 of somethings.The logistics alone are enough to cripple a pro like me….
  • “What chance do i have….:(“.The best chance in the world.Fear took the belt from me.Fear rode the tricycle that night my friends.But,fear will not get a second turn.”it wont??”.Nooooo.Because, i now realize it is not my destiny to win the belt,it is my destiny to help my friend win it.Ted is fated to go there first.He is our Neil Armstrong.Ha ha ha,space suit up Ted, because you are going to the moon.Step 1)”Ladies,Couldn’t find you coats,but i did find some bear.Wait wait wait,a remote controlled fire place ??we don’t have a remote control fire place.”Right,thats my apartment,dressing comes mine too..Dammmmn,this should me.anyway continuing Step 2)” ‘i am so exhausted’.wait, why would i want to tire them up???”.thats your excuse to unleash pretext for physical contact number one.”‘oh this is the most amazing foot massage.’ because i used to practise all the time on my grandmother,Why did i say that ???”.Its a endearing.Never give the family values out of the equation. Step 3) ” ‘ Ted,whats wrong.’ Aaaaheye… I was just thinking of the documentary i saw once,it was something called a super Volcano.(to barney)OK what the hell.” Wait for it. ” it can happen any time and obilerate all the life on the earth.Thats why i just live by 3 simple words. “Dont postpone your way.”‘Oh my god its so true..’ ” .”Mortality angle.Its actually pretty good.”
  • So what happened next ?? Did you do it ? “Lets not talk about it.” Whaaat, Noooo.Tell me. you ya ya dont tell me because you dont have din’t do din’t do din’t. you din’t.didn,t you ? did youuuu???.you din’t do it. Yes you did it. you did it.No,no…ja ja juuuuust tell meeeee.”Some stories you tell,some you don’t”.Because he din’t do it.he din’t do it. you did did it.Tell me. did you ???Ted belt… did you or didn’t you…Ted tell me please.You know whether he did it or not ???

The Best of Barney Stinson, Season 2

SEASON 2(strictly for Barney fans)

continuation from season 1 ………

  • Bro,i am so sorry.I know i must be tough.But are you ready to hear something that will not only make you feel better but will actively excite you ? ” sure” For the first time ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I dreamed about this day. Boys, Its gonna be Legendary. Together we will own this city.Any time a girl wants to gets back her ex-boy friends, we will be there. Any time a girl wants to solve her father issues to promiscuity and binge drinking,we will be there. Any time a bacheloate party arrives to the city in a limo, sticking their heads up and suddenly shouting – Whats up New York ??? We will be, what is up New York. Gentlemen we about to embark on….
  • Oh maaaaaaan, you guys did it. didn’t you ?
  • He needs to stop being sad.When i get sad, i stop being sad and be awesome instead.True story…..
  • Do you know why you are not over Lily yet? Its because you can still picture her naked.You cant get over a women until you no longer picture her boobs. Its a scientific fact. An average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images.And your hard drive is filled capacity with Lily’s.Well,they dont go away intil you overwrite them with images of other womens’ boobs.Now, This journey may take as many as million boobs, so we begin here tonight my friend. 2 at a time………
  • (after picking the phone at a bar )Go for Barney…”hey where are you guys?” we are at the fund raiser.Helping young women,raising money for a cause.”….” Ok ok here is the plan, you go and get him in the hotel, i will stay here and enjoy the lap dance.On 3. 1, 2…. (and disconnects the phone)
  • This is the moment i have been waiting for. Starting tonight, i am gonna teach you how to live.Ted, you had your chance, you are out and Marshall is in. Hypothetically you scored last night……:P….. Hypothetical High 5.NNNNNICEEEE….
  • Now lets review Barney’s rules for mating without dating. Lesson 2,corollary 5:”Make a beautiful women feel self conscious and attractive untill she puddle in your hands.”. Thats it.
  • She has…. wait for it….here it comes…almost there….an identical twin….
  • They are human beings Marshall.
  • “You said to me that being single would be like being in a candy store”.Well its not.its not like a candystore,its lawless post apocalyptic waste land.
  • Robin, i am his best friend.Thats the commitment.Girl friend, thats like aaaa bad flu out of your system after a couple of weeks on bed.high 5.
  • “you are a hero”.i am no know who is a dalmatian smoking.he didn’t make it up(crying)….
  • Ted its a well known statistic that, 83% of people married longer than 6 months are seeing someone obviously outside. Well,you don’t make surveys on the subject because the good people at have.
  • Dude lots of chics think architects are hot.think about it. you create something out of are like God.there is nobody hotter than God.I am telling you, must use the architect angle with the ladies.
  • Untill then,all my love from the beyond,Barney…..
  • Look around Lily, you are in the heart of bachelor country.And as a womwn, you are an illegal immigrant here.
  • Lily,what was the first rule again? ” Dont change anything”. and what was the second rule? ” there wasn’t any second rule”. Exactly,there was only one rule and you broke it.
  • Right there are only 2 reasons that she laugh about. one, its the first joke she has ever heard or 2,she likes should totally ask her out. Dude you got to ditch her.”obviously”.She has got the crazy eyes.”dude the eyes are crazy”.Its a well documented condition of the pupils. its a indicator of future mental instability.”she doesnt have the crazy eyes……”. you just cant see it because you are afflicted with haven_bin_lemo_vile_blindness……:P Keep going out there,you gonna regret it.
  • I had one of those.They make some stories to get your attention. When i was out for 3 weeks, her dad died twice.
  • Did you guys see me. i was on fire tonight.Man, i cant wait to get back to the shore.God, i love gambling. Oooooooh maaaan,i am so exited.i couldn’t sleep last night…..
  • Ted you should be happy, Robin has a secret.The more you learn about a person,the better you have the chance of hitting the fatal OOO moment.”the O moment?” Ya, that moment when you find out the one detail about a person that is going to be a deal breaker.So trust me,you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible.
  • You are such a cutie pie,here is a quarter,go play some song on the juke box.
  • They speak French there too ? Goddddd,that place is a mess.
  • I have got it. The ultimate wager.Slap bet.”who ever is right,gets to slap the other person in the face as hard as they pssibly can but no rings.You can be slap bet commisioner. ‘What are my powers?'” But you have to be unbaised and put the integrity of slap bet above all else.This is an honour, you will take with you to your grave. On your tombstone, it will be Lily Aurthur,caring wife,loving friend and slap bet commisioner.
  • Yes,offence………
  • Who is this? and the answer better be I dont remember his name.
  • Aggrhhhhh,freaking epidemic….
  • “you have to go home and get to bed.” haha, Oh Robin,my simple friend from the untamed North.Let me tell you about a little thing i like to call, mind over body.You see, when ever i start feeling sick,i just stop being sick and be awesome.its that. True story….
  • Watch your steps, and you get up kids because I am about to drop some knowledge.Relationships are like a freeway.Freeways have exits,so do relationships.The first exit,my personal favourite is 6 hours in. you meet,you talk,you have sex,you exit when she is in the shower. The next exits are 4 days, 3 weeks,7 months(thats when you guys are gonna break up.mark your count),then a year and a half,18 years and the last exit, death,when you stay with a single women your entire life.its like “Are we there yet”.
  • discouraging premarital sex is against my relegion….:P
  • “what did you teach?” Dance, “dance !! “. ya dance, may be you heard of it.
  • What can I say.I had the time of my life.True story….
  • Do you know about this? “NO”. Only the greatest thing ever,shh, wait wait wait.Thats not enough build up.If any would have cured cancer tommorow,this would still be the greatest thing to happen all week.ok now you are ready for naked Marshall.
  • Oh nooo,whats the matter Marshall??? “where it is ?” I will tell you where it is, if you will answer these riddles 3.
  • Oh noooo, someone put your painting behind the bar,claaaaasic. What a memorable prank.
  • We knew we could torture Marshall because he has shame.I do not. In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland.True story……
  • Now is the time. i am 31. I am at the peak of my physical beauty. If i were a women,i would have passed it long,long ago.loooong ago.
  • Have i taught you nothing Ted ?”Virtually….” Suits are full of Joy. They are the sartorial equivalent of a baby smile.
  • Here is how you run a Marathon.Step 1:you start running……… There is no step 2.
  • “I will bet you 50 bucks,you dont even finish the race..” 50 bucks?? Jeeez Granpa, If i win may be I can buy myself an ice-cream cone.Make it 10,000.”You have gambling problem,I will bet only 50″.Fine then no bet…..OK 50….
  • I can’t go out.I have got this thing.”what thing…?” Ahh Penis…..
  • Lily i love you,but we are too old for this.Asking some one to come see your play is like asking someone for a ride to the airport or to crash on your couch or to help you a cab,book a room, hire some movers and repeat after me :Friends dont let friends come see their crappy play…..:P
  • Yes, you should break up…..:P
  • And from the smell of it,i guess it is a urine factory. “where do you wanna sit?” i know where i dont wanna sit. I got a bag, in case anyone wants to puke.
  • Wow Lily that sucked.”Barney….” what??? it was terrible.comon,you guys agree.right? hey sorry i am just being honest because you know we are friends.
  • Bad move Lily,baaaaaaad move…
  • Oh,its not joke,its my one man show and its tommorow night and even though it is terrible and excruciatingly long,i expect you,all be there since we are such good friends.
  • Yeeeeessss, i win.i lovvvvvve winning.Oh Lilly, lilly lilly..i was just getting warmed up.Man.. you guys have any idea what is coming in the act 2.Oh. “oh ican imagine it is pretty aweful”. pretty aweful, pretty aweful, it is the master peace of aweful.its a genius.Spoiler Alert : the robot falls in love…
  • Ahhhhhh,nerds….
  • Why,whhhy,wwwwhhhhhhhyyy….wwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy……
  • i shouldn’t even be here,thanks to that death trap.but its fate,fate… gave me a second chance and help me realize that our days on this planet are too few to squander.So i decided from that moment on, to continue living life to its fullest.
  • “so you made a life changing decision to not change your life at all”. true story…..:P
  • Arrivederci,Fiero.May you rust in pease and rot in hell…..:P
  • You haven’t moved in.have you? good,you guys have to take this quiz. i found that in a magazine.its called “are you ready to move in together quiz”. Question 1: Ted,do you want to move in with Robin?”yes” ohhh, you got the first one wrong. The answer is no,you secretly wanna be single and hang out with awesome friend,Barney. Question 2:Robin,so you think you can score a hotter guy than Ted? Corrrrrrect… The answer was awkward silence.Question 3:Did i just make up this quiz to prove a point ? Yeeees,yes i did.
  • Ted you are throwing your life away. This girl has blinded you with her shiny hair and her boob shaped boobs. this is bad for you too you know.How are you going to feel,when he sees you without any makeup?”i am not wearing makeup right now” Holy crap, you are beautiful…!!!
  • “Barney,i know its you.” Its not me,if you want to see your precious possessions again,put on the suit.”what suit?” ding,dong,whats that??oh door bell.thats the suit i am talking about.”i havent opened the door yet.” oh, ok let me know when you are done.”ok, i ahve opened it, and there is a suit”.thats the suit i am talking about.”Barney”.this isn’t Barney,but i heard that guy is awesome.Alright,listen very carefully, you will take your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of put on the suit. No.2:Meet me at Mclearns in an hour.”how do i know, whom to look for, since we haven’t met”. i look like Barney…..
  • Ted you are my Bro and you are about to become a henpecked,beaten down shell of a man.So tonight, we are going to have one last awesome night together as Bros.its a browing away party.a special brocation. a bro-choice rally.bro time at the appollo.
  • No, its not what you have to do, its what you want to do.And you want to have a good time before you go take fun Ted up back and and shoot him.
  • Hmm its too bad. Hey hypothetical question : if i was all your stuff, whether i would be? at the bottom of the east river or the hudson.??
  • oh ok ok, you call your old Lady and ask permission to have fun.Me, i would be at the snack jack eating our victory onion rings,hon style. so low.
  • “he really doesnt want strippers.” yes he does.”well he told me he doesn’t.”well he told me he does.”when?” every minute of every day as his inner animal crashes against the cage of his own puritanical upbringing.
  • Wooohoa,you are know when you should give to her? 1850.Robin,its her bridal shower.All the friends are gonna be there. they are gonna be drinking. you need to get something daring,something outrageous.There is a store on 8th avenue.its specializes in… how do i put this delicately. Ah, battery powered adult recreational fake penises.
  • We get to the AC.”AC ??” Atlantic city.Try to keep up Brad….
  • shhh, she is starting.Please turn off your cell phones,pagers and sense of shame.
  • When Barney meets Lily after their break up: Ya ya ya,Barney,what are you doing here?i cant believe its really you.come in.have a seat.You want some tea.i know the apartment is samll but i dont need much space.let me show you some of my paintings.I think its one of the best works ever.Just stooop it.Lily you have to come home.You and Marshall belong together.And i cannot help stealing chics from him for ever.Never ever, tell anyone i was here.i will deny it truth and nail.this trip never happened.
  • Oh so sweet….. why dont you kiss.i love it when 2 chics make out.
  • i am glad you asked.Ted Robin,get in here.You guys know how its hard to be friends with me because i am so awesome.
  • “Barney i didn’t know that you are such a fan of Prices Right”.Are you kidding,TPIR is not just indescribably entertaining hour of television.its a micro cause of our entire economic system.A capitalistic utopia where consumers are rewarded for their persistance, market acumen and intrepid spirit.i gaze upon the glory of the Prices Wright and i see the face of America and IT IS divine plus ,you know, the hot chics on the sports cars.
  • ‘Barney comes and get out of the door’ (ooooo,ooo ooo, ooohooo ohhooooo, ooooo),(oh yaaa, oh yyyyaaaa, oh yaaaaaaa and one hi5 and slaps Marshall,oh yaaaa)So which one A or B ??”what was that ?” i have to decide how to run a contestants role when they say Barney Stinson,come on down.
  • funny,very funny……
  • Ok guys,sit down,i have got to tell you something……
  • Well, its just…..if you lived your whole life thinking one thing, it would be pretty devastating if you find out that wasn’t true.I just dont think Bob could handle it.
  • “Barney can officiate the wedding…” Yessss, yes i caaaaan. Excuse me, guys,you all dropped something…..your Jaaaws because Barney Stinson is about to aid and abet a marriage.
  • Thank you all for coming. For those of you who dont know me, i am not the biggest believer in marriage. But you 2 are so great together, you know, ah… its like you are are are made for each other.Lily and Marshall, when everyone sees you,they see true love,its the best love.Can we, ah… just move on to the rings and cermony.Ok ,by the power bestowed in me,by the very bitter old pakistani man who works down at the court house at Las Vegas street, I now pronounce you man and wife. you may kiss the bride.
  • Thats when you run.Tell me you ran Ted.
  • Robin you are not……NO, say the story is not over.NO, say the story is not over.Oh God,this is the 12th most worried i have ever been since some one is pregnant.
  • You are gonna miss out lot of awesome stuff.You will home with a kid, well i am out awesoming all over the place.And Robin,you are gonna get fat.
  • I am really sorry about you and Robin.i know i was always joking around about you 2 to break up,but you were really good together.Ted, do you think you might need a wingman again? “i do”. YYYYESSS….YEEESSS,we are back.wwweee are back.Ted,my boy its gonna be Legen-wait for it…………………

The Best of Barney Stinson (How I met your Mother, Season 1)

SEASON I(strictly for Barney fans)
  • Meet me at the bar in 15 min and suit up.
  • Ted i am gonna teach you how to live.Barney, we met at the urinal. Lesson 1:loose the goatee, it doesn’t go with your suit. “I am not wearing a suit”. Lesson 2:Get a suit,suits are cool.exhibit A.Leeson 3: dont even think about getting marrying till you are 30.
  • Ted tonight we going out.we gonna meet some ladies.its gonna be le-gen-dary.phone5. you didnt phone5.did you?i know when you dont phone5 Ted.
  • Trust me, its gonne be legendary.
    legen……….. wait for it.dary.Legendary.
  • Look our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness.ok,not for the sit around and wait of happiness.
  • One of the 24 similarities between girls and fishes is that they both are attracted to shiny objects. You really never read my blog.Do you?
  • You know Ted, it has been 4 years. she could be engaged or married or God forbid FATTTT…..
  • Ok, here is the plan, and i crap you not.
  • (both hands parallel to the ground in the weighing position). victoria secret models place(left hand)or sucking yale party(right hand). (keeping left hand near his ear) whats that left hand?? right hand sux. oh boy its just looks 3 of us.whats that? self 5.nice.
  • Ted,hurry,you gotta help boat is sinking.”what?” my boat is sinking.”you have a boat?”.Yes i bought a boat last year at the police auction.i just got a call from a guy down from the marina. it is leaning down at a 45 degree angle.if i dont get there right now its gonna be capsized.
  • phone conversation: Hello Aunt Kathy.watsup? An accident? well, Is uncle Rooney really gonna be ok? Oh God, why did he think he can build his own helicopter. Well if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. I will be right there. you know….I…unc…
  • The Lemon Law : From the moment they begin, you have 5 minutes to decide whether you are going to commit to an entire evening. And if you dont, its no hard feelings.its just good night, thanks for playing, see you never. haaan haaan. The Lemon Law….ITs gonna be a thing..:P
  • Hmmm, yaaa….Katie you are about to be a part of History. Tell Your friends. Its gonna be a thing.
    “you are a jerk” No, i am a visionary. Lemon Law. Its gonna be a thing.
  • Barney at the community service : “Barney !!!!” Oh, hi guys.”What are you doing here ?” Oh,just the Lord’s work.”But you are Satan.” I dont advertize,but i volunteer here and i think it is important to help the less fortunate.I am Angelina Jolie of incredibly hot guys.
    “hey Barney, what do you say, you let us help in you for scoop stuffing for a little bit?” aahhhaa You want the scoop stuffing in your first day up. Hello NFL(National Football League), can i be quaterback this Sunday !!! Dude…..:P
  • “Are you joking?” I never joke about the sublime art of lap dance entertainment….
  • Daddy is home…..:P
  • Ted your problem is all you do is think,think,think.i am teaching you how to do do do..
    Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It was like the Universe saying, Hey Barney, there is this dude.he is pretty cool.But its your job to make him aweeeeeeeee-some.
    As your mentor and spiritual guide,i forbid you from calling her….
    See what happens when you dont think. You doooo…More importantly you do Robin….:P
  • People often ask me. Barney how is it that you are so psyched,so much of the time? and the answer is right here.My own personal get psyched mix.Now people often says music should rise and fall.But people are wrong.It should be aaaaall riiiiiise baby.Now prepare yourselfs for an audio journey into the white hot center of adrenline.
  • Every one around the world is calling their loved ones.Everyone expect Barney. Oh!! sure laugh. Laugh for Barney stinson,laugh for the sad clown trapped on his whirling suits and cigars and bimbos and booze, round and round it goes.and where it is all heading?who know where!! “is this all because you lost your get psched mix…..:P”
  • Ted,have you ignored all my teachings??”for the most part,ya” you are bringing a date to the wedding?? that is like bringing a deer carcass on a hunting trip.Oh Ted,oh ted, no no date.”deer carcass,really? is that the metaphor you are going with?”Ted,its a simile.
  • Well i dont get it ? why is claudia marrying stuart ? She is way hotter than Stuart.How way?? way way.
  • Wow,Ted you gonna have to find another gender for yourself because i am revoking your dude membership.
  • See for all about your big talk about being ready for a relationship.deep down you are single.Its your default setting.
  • Ted,you know whats in the back of your brain?”oh great,here come the little barney’s speech”.Behind a curtain,in a dark little room,secretly controlling your every move.A little Barney.And you know what he said:(in squealing voice)Ted you will bring no date to this wedding.You will hit on drunk brides’ maids with actual size Barney.Ha ha ha….
  • Its better be good, i am about to enter Nirvana.By the way i can get you Nirvana’s phone no.she gives a great massage.
  • Ted the only reason to wait a month for sex is that the girl is 17 years,11 months old…..
  • Its usually an 2 man operation where Ted signals if the target is hot, but Ted is too busy being in an lesbian relationship.
  • “hello target acquired,hotty by the table.” oh good eye shebatsky,i got someone for you,2’o clock blue shirt. “thats a girl” oh my mistake. or is it ?
  • “i think you are ready for hardcore battleship.”Hardcore !!! thats the only way i play.
  • “you are not going to tell him.are you?” No,its the Bro-code.A Bro doesn’t tell a mutual bro that a third bro has a crush on him.Just like the third bro doesn’t tell the mutual bro that the original bro went bare prickled in front of her.Its quid pro bro…..:P
  • Excuse me,(picks up his phone) hi Leg warehouse ? here my friend Ted need something to stand, nothing for the stand on.ok,thanks so much.
  • Sorry i dont wanna talk about it. It is THE most embarrasing and humiliating thing that ever happened to me.
    Ok, i will tell you my story.Believe it or not, i was not always, as awesome as i am today.
  • hey comon dont cry,………”My life rocks,money, suits and sex, these are tears of joy.I could be cooked up in some tiny appartment changing some brats poopy diapers but instead i am out in the world being awesome 24,7,365.You let me dodge a bullet Big guy(and a kiss in the air)plus here is the mini cherry on the top of the regular cherry on the top of the sundae of awesomeness, that is my life.after shannon and i had talked, i nailed her.
  • Ladies,gentlemen,Ted….:P, this has been a wonderful evening……..
  • There is no way you are getting married in that sarcastic quatation marks “Suit”.
  • “Seriously Barney,what is that you are doing ?” Oh,please………:P
  • I am psyched about this.but if i am gonna mentor you,i need to know you are psyched up to?”…..” ya, its one thing to say it,but better show it(high 5).Marshall i should feel tremors of psychitude rock my body like a seizure.(after getting a less powerful high 5) that was like a declawed pregnant cat on a port swing idly swotting at a fly on a lazy sunday afternoon.”wow that was really specific” show me that you are psyched.
  • Oh dont get me wrong, i am good, the best,really.But its the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.
  • Dude we haven’t hit legendary yet.we are only at the LE- we still got the -GEN- ,the -DE- the -RY.
  • Prostitution:Its the worlds oldest profession.
  • How long has it been? “57 days”.Is that your water? may i?”ya go ahead”(spit it out)57 days !!!! Ted you are in a slump.
  • “i am in the locker room feeling pretty good”.ya you know what else in that locker room,a bunch of naked dudes hanging brain.
  • You wanna judge a fellow human being based solely on one external charateristic?? thats rascism and i do not drink with rascists.good day.
  • I did it to prove a point.”oh,what point?”.(thinking)Stay with me.its gonna come to me.ah, ok here is the point.
  • Wow that was really awkward Lil…. and still, and still it is really awkward, right now….
  • “alright,what do you think?” Horrible.”you can make such a great dad”.It looks so classy and nice,you are gonna stick on like a sword thumb. Have you seen how kids are dressing these days? They all dress like stippers.Its go ho or go home.
  • The girl dropped from the heaven incident: Excuse me, does any one ever told you …..Oh my God….!!!”what??” Oh,call an ambulance.just try,just try….Just sit, just dont talk,dont talk. I am serious ,call 911.”whats the ,matter?” shh,just try..just try…. just dont move,dont move. Here have some water.WATER!!! drink this.”here come the paramedics.” oh,thank God, you are here.”what is going on??”There may be some internal bleeding,probably
    some,some fractures,we have to get her to the hospital.”what are you talking about?” you had a terrible fall.”no, i haven’t.”really because i can swear, you fell straight out of heaven……angel. Bing(winking eye)…..”give him your no.” it works.thank you every one,it has been fun.Windy,the waitres,tip her well.
  • The Butterfield’s incident : Binaculars,second pair, on my desk.
    I dont have time to be creepy dude.I have lot of work.
    Oh !!!! Sweet Lord !!!!
    “that is sick.why would you do that?” Who knows this fued goes so far that i cant remeber who fired the first shot? “you” .Totally….
    Butterfields is gonna retailiate within the 4 hours. that has been his pattern. This is war Erickson.I need you to clear your schedule.Call Lily and tell you will be home, late.”…….” Comon man, i din’t recruit you to work here for your lawering skills, i recruited you to be my executive mischief consultant.
    Tracy, could you come in here,please….You please inform Erickson that i am no longer speaking to him.
    Because nooooowwww, you are in…..”ok, dont think that i am overlooking the obvious fact that i should just be mad at you, but executive mischiefconsultant Marshall Erickson, reporting for duty.” Lets make that bastard pay.
  • Ted, the universe clearly doesn,t want you and Robin together.Now dont piss off the universe. the universe will slap you.(slap Ted) that wasn’t me.that was the universe.
  • Seriously comon……..
    Oh comeeeeee onnnnnnn……
  • (looking at the watch) Man its funny,still funny,still fun and now its sad.
  • Heeeey Ted,watchu doing?? “a rain dance”. dude, thats not a rain dance.thats a fat kid moving with a bee in his pants.

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