The Best of Barney Stinson, Season 2

SEASON 2(strictly for Barney fans)

continuation from season 1 ………

  • Bro,i am so sorry.I know i must be tough.But are you ready to hear something that will not only make you feel better but will actively excite you ? ” sure” For the first time ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I dreamed about this day. Boys, Its gonna be Legendary. Together we will own this city.Any time a girl wants to gets back her ex-boy friends, we will be there. Any time a girl wants to solve her father issues to promiscuity and binge drinking,we will be there. Any time a bacheloate party arrives to the city in a limo, sticking their heads up and suddenly shouting – Whats up New York ??? We will be, what is up New York. Gentlemen we about to embark on….
  • Oh maaaaaaan, you guys did it. didn’t you ?
  • He needs to stop being sad.When i get sad, i stop being sad and be awesome instead.True story…..
  • Do you know why you are not over Lily yet? Its because you can still picture her naked.You cant get over a women until you no longer picture her boobs. Its a scientific fact. An average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images.And your hard drive is filled capacity with Lily’s.Well,they dont go away intil you overwrite them with images of other womens’ boobs.Now, This journey may take as many as million boobs, so we begin here tonight my friend. 2 at a time………
  • (after picking the phone at a bar )Go for Barney…”hey where are you guys?” we are at the fund raiser.Helping young women,raising money for a cause.”….” Ok ok here is the plan, you go and get him in the hotel, i will stay here and enjoy the lap dance.On 3. 1, 2…. (and disconnects the phone)
  • This is the moment i have been waiting for. Starting tonight, i am gonna teach you how to live.Ted, you had your chance, you are out and Marshall is in. Hypothetically you scored last night……:P….. Hypothetical High 5.NNNNNICEEEE….
  • Now lets review Barney’s rules for mating without dating. Lesson 2,corollary 5:”Make a beautiful women feel self conscious and attractive untill she puddle in your hands.”. Thats it.
  • She has…. wait for it….here it comes…almost there….an identical twin….
  • They are human beings Marshall.
  • “You said to me that being single would be like being in a candy store”.Well its not.its not like a candystore,its lawless post apocalyptic waste land.
  • Robin, i am his best friend.Thats the commitment.Girl friend, thats like aaaa bad flu out of your system after a couple of weeks on bed.high 5.
  • “you are a hero”.i am no hero.you know who is a hero.my dalmatian smoking.he didn’t make it up(crying)….
  • Ted its a well known statistic that, 83% of people married longer than 6 months are seeing someone obviously outside. Well,you don’t make surveys on the subject because the good people at WWW.swingers.open_marriages_natural_back_slash_legalise_polygamy.org have.
  • Dude lots of chics think architects are hot.think about it. you create something out of nothing.you are like God.there is nobody hotter than God.I am telling you, must use the architect angle with the ladies.
  • Untill then,all my love from the beyond,Barney…..
  • Look around Lily, you are in the heart of bachelor country.And as a womwn, you are an illegal immigrant here.
  • Lily,what was the first rule again? ” Dont change anything”. and what was the second rule? ” there wasn’t any second rule”. Exactly,there was only one rule and you broke it.
  • Right there are only 2 reasons that she laugh about. one, its the first joke she has ever heard or 2,she likes you.you should totally ask her out. Dude you got to ditch her.”obviously”.She has got the crazy eyes.”dude the eyes are crazy”.Its a well documented condition of the pupils. its a indicator of future mental instability.”she doesnt have the crazy eyes……”. you just cant see it because you are afflicted with haven_bin_lemo_vile_blindness……:P Keep going out there,you gonna regret it.
  • I had one of those.They make some stories to get your attention. When i was out for 3 weeks, her dad died twice.
  • Did you guys see me. i was on fire tonight.Man, i cant wait to get back to the shore.God, i love gambling. Oooooooh maaaan,i am so exited.i couldn’t sleep last night…..
  • Ted you should be happy, Robin has a secret.The more you learn about a person,the better you have the chance of hitting the fatal OOO moment.”the O moment?” Ya, that moment when you find out the one detail about a person that is going to be a deal breaker.So trust me,you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible.
  • You are such a cutie pie,here is a quarter,go play some song on the juke box.
  • They speak French there too ? Goddddd,that place is a mess.
  • I have got it. The ultimate wager.Slap bet.”who ever is right,gets to slap the other person in the face as hard as they pssibly can but no rings.You can be slap bet commisioner. ‘What are my powers?'” But you have to be unbaised and put the integrity of slap bet above all else.This is an honour, you will take with you to your grave. On your tombstone, it will be Lily Aurthur,caring wife,loving friend and slap bet commisioner.
  • Yes,offence………
  • Who is this? and the answer better be I dont remember his name.
  • Aggrhhhhh,freaking epidemic….
  • “you have to go home and get to bed.” haha, Oh Robin,my simple friend from the untamed North.Let me tell you about a little thing i like to call, mind over body.You see, when ever i start feeling sick,i just stop being sick and be awesome.its that. True story….
  • Watch your steps, and you get up kids because I am about to drop some knowledge.Relationships are like a freeway.Freeways have exits,so do relationships.The first exit,my personal favourite is 6 hours in. you meet,you talk,you have sex,you exit when she is in the shower. The next exits are 4 days, 3 weeks,7 months(thats when you guys are gonna break up.mark your count),then a year and a half,18 years and the last exit, death,when you stay with a single women your entire life.its like “Are we there yet”.
  • discouraging premarital sex is against my relegion….:P
  • “what did you teach?” Dance, “dance !! “. ya dance, may be you heard of it.
  • What can I say.I had the time of my life.True story….
  • Do you know about this? “NO”. Only the greatest thing ever,shh, wait wait wait.Thats not enough build up.If any would have cured cancer tommorow,this would still be the greatest thing to happen all week.ok now you are ready for naked Marshall.
  • Oh nooo,whats the matter Marshall??? “where it is ?” I will tell you where it is, if you will answer these riddles 3.
  • Oh noooo, someone put your painting behind the bar,claaaaasic. What a memorable prank.
  • We knew we could torture Marshall because he has shame.I do not. In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland.True story……
  • Now is the time. i am 31. I am at the peak of my physical beauty. If i were a women,i would have passed it long,long ago.loooong ago.
  • Have i taught you nothing Ted ?”Virtually….” Suits are full of Joy. They are the sartorial equivalent of a baby smile.
  • Here is how you run a Marathon.Step 1:you start running……… There is no step 2.
  • “I will bet you 50 bucks,you dont even finish the race..” 50 bucks?? Jeeez Granpa, If i win may be I can buy myself an ice-cream cone.Make it 10,000.”You have gambling problem,I will bet only 50″.Fine then no bet…..OK 50….
  • I can’t go out.I have got this thing.”what thing…?” Ahh Penis…..
  • Lily i love you,but we are too old for this.Asking some one to come see your play is like asking someone for a ride to the airport or to crash on your couch or to help you move.call a cab,book a room, hire some movers and repeat after me :Friends dont let friends come see their crappy play…..:P
  • Yes, you should break up…..:P
  • And from the smell of it,i guess it is a urine factory. “where do you wanna sit?” i know where i dont wanna sit. I got a bag, in case anyone wants to puke.
  • Wow Lily that sucked.”Barney….” what??? it was terrible.comon,you guys agree.right? hey sorry i am just being honest because you know we are friends.
  • Bad move Lily,baaaaaaad move…
  • Oh,its not joke,its my one man show and its tommorow night and even though it is terrible and excruciatingly long,i expect you,all be there since we are such good friends.
  • Yeeeeessss, i win.i lovvvvvve winning.Oh Lilly,Oh..lilly lilly lilly..i was just getting warmed up.Man.. you guys have any idea what is coming in the act 2.Oh. “oh ican imagine it is pretty aweful”. pretty aweful, pretty aweful, it is the master peace of aweful.its a genius.Spoiler Alert : the robot falls in love…
  • Ahhhhhh,nerds….
  • Why,whhhy,wwwwhhhhhhhyyy….wwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy……
  • i shouldn’t even be here,thanks to that death trap.but its fate,fate… gave me a second chance and help me realize that our days on this planet are too few to squander.So i decided from that moment on, to continue living life to its fullest.
  • “so you made a life changing decision to not change your life at all”. true story…..:P
  • Arrivederci,Fiero.May you rust in pease and rot in hell…..:P
  • You haven’t moved in.have you? good,you guys have to take this quiz. i found that in a magazine.its called “are you ready to move in together quiz”. Question 1: Ted,do you want to move in with Robin?”yes” ohhh, you got the first one wrong. The answer is no,you secretly wanna be single and hang out with awesome friend,Barney. Question 2:Robin,so you think you can score a hotter guy than Ted? Corrrrrrect… The answer was awkward silence.Question 3:Did i just make up this quiz to prove a point ? Yeeees,yes i did.
  • Ted you are throwing your life away. This girl has blinded you with her shiny hair and her boob shaped boobs. this is bad for you too you know.How are you going to feel,when he sees you without any makeup?”i am not wearing makeup right now” Holy crap, you are beautiful…!!!
  • “Barney,i know its you.” Its not me,if you want to see your precious possessions again,put on the suit.”what suit?” ding,dong,whats that??oh door bell.thats the suit i am talking about.”i havent opened the door yet.” oh, ok let me know when you are done.”ok, i ahve opened it, and there is a suit”.thats the suit i am talking about.”Barney”.this isn’t Barney,but i heard that guy is awesome.Alright,listen very carefully, you will take your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challanges.no.1: put on the suit. No.2:Meet me at Mclearns in an hour.”how do i know, whom to look for, since we haven’t met”. i look like Barney…..
  • Ted you are my Bro and you are about to become a henpecked,beaten down shell of a man.So tonight, we are going to have one last awesome night together as Bros.its a browing away party.a special brocation. a bro-choice rally.bro time at the appollo.
  • No, its not what you have to do, its what you want to do.And you want to have a good time before you go take fun Ted up back and and shoot him.
  • Hmm its too bad. Hey hypothetical question : if i was all your stuff, whether i would be? at the bottom of the east river or the hudson.??
  • oh ok ok, you call your old Lady and ask permission to have fun.Me, i would be at the snack jack eating our victory onion rings,hon style. so low.
  • “he really doesnt want strippers.” yes he does.”well he told me he doesn’t.”well he told me he does.”when?” every minute of every day as his inner animal crashes against the cage of his own puritanical upbringing.
  • Wooohoa,you are akin.you know when you should give to her? 1850.Robin,its her bridal shower.All the friends are gonna be there. they are gonna be drinking. you need to get something daring,something outrageous.There is a store on 8th avenue.its specializes in… how do i put this delicately. Ah, battery powered adult recreational fake penises.
  • We get to the AC.”AC ??” Atlantic city.Try to keep up Brad….
  • shhh, she is starting.Please turn off your cell phones,pagers and sense of shame.
  • When Barney meets Lily after their break up: Ya ya ya,Barney,what are you doing here?i cant believe its really you.come in.have a seat.You want some tea.i know the apartment is samll but i dont need much space.let me show you some of my paintings.I think its one of the best works ever.Just stooop it.Lily you have to come home.You and Marshall belong together.And i cannot help stealing chics from him for ever.Never ever, tell anyone i was here.i will deny it truth and nail.this trip never happened.
  • Oh so sweet….. why dont you kiss.i love it when 2 chics make out.
  • i am glad you asked.Ted Robin,get in here.You guys know how its hard to be friends with me because i am so awesome.
  • “Barney i didn’t know that you are such a fan of Prices Right”.Are you kidding,TPIR is not just indescribably entertaining hour of television.its a micro cause of our entire economic system.A capitalistic utopia where consumers are rewarded for their persistance, market acumen and intrepid spirit.i gaze upon the glory of the Prices Wright and i see the face of America and IT IS divine plus ,you know, the hot chics on the sports cars.
  • ‘Barney comes and get out of the door’ (ooooo,ooo ooo, ooohooo ohhooooo, ooooo),(oh yaaa, oh yyyyaaaa, oh yaaaaaaa and one hi5 and slaps Marshall,oh yaaaa)So which one A or B ??”what was that ?” i have to decide how to run a contestants role when they say Barney Stinson,come on down.
  • funny,very funny……
  • Ok guys,sit down,i have got to tell you something……
  • Well, its just…..if you lived your whole life thinking one thing, it would be pretty devastating if you find out that wasn’t true.I just dont think Bob could handle it.
  • “Barney can officiate the wedding…” Yessss, yes i caaaaan. Excuse me, guys,you all dropped something…..your Jaaaws because Barney Stinson is about to aid and abet a marriage.
  • Thank you all for coming. For those of you who dont know me, i am not the biggest believer in marriage. But you 2 are so great together, you know, ah… its like you are are are made for each other.Lily and Marshall, when everyone sees you,they see true love,its the best love.Can we, ah… just move on to the rings and cermony.Ok ,by the power bestowed in me,by the very bitter old pakistani man who works down at the court house at Las Vegas street, I now pronounce you man and wife. you may kiss the bride.
  • Thats when you run.Tell me you ran Ted.
  • Robin you are not……NO, say the story is not over.NO, say the story is not over.Oh God,this is the 12th most worried i have ever been since some one is pregnant.
  • You are gonna miss out lot of awesome stuff.You will home with a kid, well i am out awesoming all over the place.And Robin,you are gonna get fat.
  • I am really sorry about you and Robin.i know i was always joking around about you 2 to break up,but you were really good together.Ted, do you think you might need a wingman again? “i do”. YYYYESSS….YEEESSS,we are back.wwweee are back.Ted,my boy its gonna be Legen-wait for it…………………

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