The Best of Barney Stinson (How I met your Mother, Season 1)

SEASON I(strictly for Barney fans)
  • Meet me at the bar in 15 min and suit up.
  • Ted i am gonna teach you how to live.Barney, we met at the urinal. Lesson 1:loose the goatee, it doesn’t go with your suit. “I am not wearing a suit”. Lesson 2:Get a suit,suits are cool.exhibit A.Leeson 3: dont even think about getting marrying till you are 30.
  • Ted tonight we going out.we gonna meet some ladies.its gonna be le-gen-dary.phone5. you didnt phone5.did you?i know when you dont phone5 Ted.
  • Trust me, its gonne be legendary.
    legen……….. wait for it.dary.Legendary.
  • Look our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness.ok,not for the sit around and wait of happiness.
  • One of the 24 similarities between girls and fishes is that they both are attracted to shiny objects. You really never read my blog.Do you?
  • You know Ted, it has been 4 years. she could be engaged or married or God forbid FATTTT…..
  • Ok, here is the plan, and i crap you not.
  • (both hands parallel to the ground in the weighing position). victoria secret models place(left hand)or sucking yale party(right hand). (keeping left hand near his ear) whats that left hand?? right hand sux. oh boy its just looks 3 of us.whats that? self 5.nice.
  • Ted,hurry,you gotta help me.my boat is sinking.”what?” my boat is sinking.”you have a boat?”.Yes i bought a boat last year at the police auction.i just got a call from a guy down from the marina. it is leaning down at a 45 degree angle.if i dont get there right now its gonna be capsized.
  • phone conversation: Hello Aunt Kathy.watsup? An accident? well, Is uncle Rooney really gonna be ok? Oh God, why did he think he can build his own helicopter. Well if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. I will be right there. you know….I…unc…
  • The Lemon Law : From the moment they begin, you have 5 minutes to decide whether you are going to commit to an entire evening. And if you dont, its no hard feelings.its just good night, thanks for playing, see you never. haaan haaan. The Lemon Law….ITs gonna be a thing..:P
  • Hmmm, yaaa….Katie you are about to be a part of History. Tell Your friends. Its gonna be a thing.
    “you are a jerk” No, i am a visionary. Lemon Law. Its gonna be a thing.
  • Barney at the community service : “Barney !!!!” Oh, hi guys.”What are you doing here ?” Oh,just the Lord’s work.”But you are Satan.” I dont advertize,but i volunteer here and i think it is important to help the less fortunate.I am Angelina Jolie of incredibly hot guys.
    “hey Barney, what do you say, you let us help in you for scoop stuffing for a little bit?” aahhhaa You want the scoop stuffing in your first day up. Hello NFL(National Football League), can i be quaterback this Sunday !!! Dude…..:P
  • “Are you joking?” I never joke about the sublime art of lap dance entertainment….
  • Daddy is home…..:P
  • Ted your problem is all you do is think,think,think.i am teaching you how to do do do..
    Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It was like the Universe saying, Hey Barney, there is this dude.he is pretty cool.But its your job to make him aweeeeeeeee-some.
    As your mentor and spiritual guide,i forbid you from calling her….
    See what happens when you dont think. You doooo…More importantly you do Robin….:P
  • People often ask me. Barney how is it that you are so psyched,so much of the time? and the answer is right here.My own personal get psyched mix.Now people often says music should rise and fall.But people are wrong.It should be aaaaall riiiiiise baby.Now prepare yourselfs for an audio journey into the white hot center of adrenline.
  • Every one around the world is calling their loved ones.Everyone expect Barney. Oh!! sure laugh. Laugh for Barney stinson,laugh for the sad clown trapped on his whirling suits and cigars and bimbos and booze, round and round it goes.and where it is all heading?who know where!! “is this all because you lost your get psched mix…..:P”
  • Ted,have you ignored all my teachings??”for the most part,ya” you are bringing a date to the wedding?? that is like bringing a deer carcass on a hunting trip.Oh Ted,oh ted, no no date.”deer carcass,really? is that the metaphor you are going with?”Ted,its a simile.
  • Well i dont get it ? why is claudia marrying stuart ? She is way hotter than Stuart.How way?? way way.
  • Wow,Ted you gonna have to find another gender for yourself because i am revoking your dude membership.
  • See for all about your big talk about being ready for a relationship.deep down you are single.Its your default setting.
  • Ted,you know whats in the back of your brain?”oh great,here come the little barney’s speech”.Behind a curtain,in a dark little room,secretly controlling your every move.A little Barney.And you know what he said:(in squealing voice)Ted you will bring no date to this wedding.You will hit on drunk brides’ maids with actual size Barney.Ha ha ha….
  • Its better be good, i am about to enter Nirvana.By the way i can get you Nirvana’s phone no.she gives a great massage.
  • Ted the only reason to wait a month for sex is that the girl is 17 years,11 months old…..
  • Its usually an 2 man operation where Ted signals if the target is hot, but Ted is too busy being in an lesbian relationship.
  • “hello target acquired,hotty by the table.” oh good eye shebatsky,i got someone for you,2’o clock blue shirt. “thats a girl” oh my mistake. or is it ?
  • “i think you are ready for hardcore battleship.”Hardcore !!! thats the only way i play.
  • “you are not going to tell him.are you?” No,its the Bro-code.A Bro doesn’t tell a mutual bro that a third bro has a crush on him.Just like the third bro doesn’t tell the mutual bro that the original bro went bare prickled in front of her.Its quid pro bro…..:P
  • Excuse me,(picks up his phone) hi Leg warehouse ? here my friend Ted need something to stand on.so, nothing for the stand on.ok,thanks so much.
  • Sorry i dont wanna talk about it. It is THE most embarrasing and humiliating thing that ever happened to me.
    Ok, i will tell you my story.Believe it or not, i was not always, as awesome as i am today.
  • hey comon dont cry,………”My life rocks,money, suits and sex, these are tears of joy.I could be cooked up in some tiny appartment changing some brats poopy diapers but instead i am out in the world being awesome 24,7,365.You let me dodge a bullet Big guy(and a kiss in the air)plus here is the mini cherry on the top of the regular cherry on the top of the sundae of awesomeness, that is my life.after shannon and i had talked, i nailed her.
  • Ladies,gentlemen,Ted….:P, this has been a wonderful evening……..
  • There is no way you are getting married in that sarcastic quatation marks “Suit”.
  • “Seriously Barney,what is that you are doing ?” Oh,please………:P
  • I am psyched about this.but if i am gonna mentor you,i need to know you are psyched up to?”…..” ya, its one thing to say it,but better show it.show it(high 5).Marshall i should feel tremors of psychitude rock my body like a seizure.(after getting a less powerful high 5) that was like a declawed pregnant cat on a port swing idly swotting at a fly on a lazy sunday afternoon.”wow that was really specific” show me that you are psyched.
  • Oh dont get me wrong, i am good, the best,really.But its the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.
  • Dude we haven’t hit legendary yet.we are only at the LE- we still got the -GEN- ,the -DE- the -RY.
  • Prostitution:Its the worlds oldest profession.
  • How long has it been? “57 days”.Is that your water? may i?”ya go ahead”(spit it out)57 days !!!! Ted you are in a slump.
  • “i am in the locker room feeling pretty good”.ya you know what else in that locker room,a bunch of naked dudes hanging brain.
  • You wanna judge a fellow human being based solely on one external charateristic?? thats rascism and i do not drink with rascists.good day.
  • I did it to prove a point.”oh,what point?”.(thinking)Stay with me.its gonna come to me.ah, ok here is the point.
  • Wow that was really awkward Lil…. and still, and still it is really awkward, right now….
  • “alright,what do you think?” Horrible.”you can make such a great dad”.It looks so classy and nice,you are gonna stick on like a sword thumb. Have you seen how kids are dressing these days? They all dress like stippers.Its go ho or go home.
  • The girl dropped from the heaven incident: Excuse me, does any one ever told you …..Oh my God….!!!”what??” Oh,call an ambulance.just try,just try….Just sit, just dont talk,dont talk. I am serious ,call 911.”whats the ,matter?” shh,just try..just try…. just dont move,dont move. Here have some water.WATER!!! drink this.”here come the paramedics.” oh,thank God, you are here.”what is going on??”There may be some internal bleeding,probably
    some,some fractures,we have to get her to the hospital.”what are you talking about?” you had a terrible fall.”no, i haven’t.”really because i can swear, you fell straight out of heaven……angel. Bing(winking eye)…..”give him your no.” it works.thank you every one,it has been fun.Windy,the waitres,tip her well.
  • The Butterfield’s incident : Binaculars,second pair, on my desk.
    I dont have time to be creepy dude.I have lot of work.
    Oh !!!! Sweet Lord !!!!
    “that is sick.why would you do that?” Who knows this fued goes so far that i cant remeber who fired the first shot? “you” .Totally….
    Butterfields is gonna retailiate within the 4 hours. that has been his pattern. This is war Erickson.I need you to clear your schedule.Call Lily and tell you will be home, late.”…….” Comon man, i din’t recruit you to work here for your lawering skills, i recruited you to be my executive mischief consultant.
    Tracy, could you come in here,please….You please inform Erickson that i am no longer speaking to him.
    Because nooooowwww, you are in…..”ok, dont think that i am overlooking the obvious fact that i should just be mad at you, but executive mischiefconsultant Marshall Erickson, reporting for duty.” Lets make that bastard pay.
  • Ted, the universe clearly doesn,t want you and Robin together.Now dont piss off the universe. the universe will slap you.(slap Ted) that wasn’t me.that was the universe.
  • Seriously comon……..
    Oh comeeeeee onnnnnnn……
  • (looking at the watch) Man its funny,still funny,still fun and now its sad.
  • Heeeey Ted,watchu doing?? “a rain dance”. dude, thats not a rain dance.thats a fat kid moving with a bee in his pants.

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